The Voyager Crew and the Sorting Hat
by hermione-of-vulcan
Summary: The Voyager crew is Sorted into the Hogwarts houses. But it certainly isn't easy. Standard disclaimers apply.
1. Chapter 1

_Chakotay_

Chakotay approached the hat with equanimity, as he did most things. He opened his mind to the probing.

"Hm, a caring, compassionate nature, a good listener, deeply spiritual—but a leader too, interesting. Not very fierce, though brave, intelligent, but you're very trusting, so…HUFFLEPUFF!

_Doctor_

The Doctor remodulated his holographic matrix so it would be solid enough to support the hat, then sat down on the stool and put it on.

Expecting a litany of his good traits, the Doctor was surprised when the hat nearly screamed, falling off his head. With mechanical reflexes, the Doctor caught it.

"What's wrong?" he asked, looking down at the quivering black fabric in his holographic hand.

"I can't read you!" it exclaimed. "You're not really there!"

"You're talking to me, aren't you?" the Doctor replied irritably. "Photons and forcefields, flesh and blood, what does it matter?"

"It matters because I can't Sort you!" it wailed. "I've _never_ had this problem before!"

"Why don't you let me choose, if you're so stressed?" the Doctor suggested.

"Go ahead," the hat sighed.

"I'll wait until after all my friends are Sorted," the hologram said cheerfully.

The hat sighed again, and the Doctor set it back down.

_Hansen, Annika_

"Hansen, Annika!"

"Seven of Nine," the ex-Borg corrected, then sat down and put the hat on.

"I have researched the Hogwarts houses and have concluded that I am a Ravenclaw," she informed the hat. "Put me there."

"If you are Ravenclaw, I _will_ put you there," the hat assured her. "But I do the Sorting. Hm…Ravenclaw is a good pick you are extremely intelligent, scientific and curious, and you did your research to pick it—very Ravenclaw."

"It is inefficient to continue, since it is obvious I am correct."

"Patience!" the hat cried. "I've encountered a part of your brain that is distinctly Slytherin…in fact, it's trying to attack me…"

"Those are Borg nanoprobes. They are attempting to assimilate you."

"I can fight them off…hm…a desire for perfection, a need for efficiency, and a willingness to eliminate those who impede it. Very clever, a disregard for rules that do not suit you…yes, I think you would be best for—"

"I noted the merits of Slytherin in my search, but I did not want to share a house with Dark wizards and witches," Seven interrupted. "I am Ravenclaw."

"Well, I do take choices into account…" the hat mused. "… and you're not a bad fit anyway, so…RAVENCLAW!"

**A/N There will be three more chapters with three Sortings each, alphabetical order by last name. Reviews are nice, especially if you have an opinion about what houses characters should be in.**


	2. Chapter 2

_Janeway, Kathryn_

Kathryn Janeway allowed the hat to settle on top of her short brown hair.

"GRY—" it began to shout, then stopped.

"What was that?" she asked.

"You're very Gryffindor, so you're probably best for that house, but there are some other traits worth considering."

"Take a look," she invited.

"Well, you were a scientist before becoming a captain and you have a great deal of scientific curiosity—Ravenclaw, you have moral standards—Hufflepuff, you can be clever and cunning when necessary—Slytherin…"

"Oh no, not Slytherin."

"No, despite it all I stand by my earlier judgment—You have the bravery, strength, and daring of a through and through…GRYFFINDOR!"

_Kes_

"I hate sorting telepaths!" the hat proclaimed.

"I'm sorry," the pixielike Ocampa girl said, opening her mind to the probing.

"Oh, intelligent, lots of mental powers, very Ravenclaw, escaped from your society, very Gryffindor—"

The hat rushed through the Sorting as if its existence depended upon it.

"—but you're just oozing compassion and kindness, you even feel sorry for me having to read you, so better be…HUFFLEPUFF!"

_Kim, Harry_

Harry Kim was afraid. He was just the little ensign, not particularly brave or intelligent or good-hearted and not the least bit cunning. None of the houses seemed to fit him. The hat would probably say he wasn't important enough.

He gingerly placed the hat on his head.

"Stop worrying," the hat ordered. "A bit difficult, but I can Sort you. Hm, very intelligent, brave when needed, loyal and kind, very concerned with rules…though you are intelligent enough to have ambition, it is interwoven with those morals—you have a reputation as innocent, am I right?"

"Yes," Harry muttered.

"Then, better be…HUFFLEPUFF!"

**A/N Harry was hard to Sort, as you can tell.**


	3. Chapter 3

_Neelix_

The hat laughed as it slid down the Talaxian's spotted head.

"Oh, dear, not much of anything else but compassionate, loyal, HUFFLEPUFF!"

_Paris, Thomas Eugene_

Tom closed his eyes so he couldn't see B'Elanna holding back laughter at the sight of him in a ratty black wizard's hat.

"Let's get this over with quickly, okay?"

"The Sorting takes as long as it needs, Mr. Paris."

"No need for the Janeway impression," Tom quipped. "Just sort me."

"Let's see…restless, adventurous, daring, with a certain disregard for rules and regulations—definitely Gryffindor, with a hint of Slytherin, but Slytherin would suppress your sense of humor, so…GRYFFINDOR!

_Torres, B'Elanna_

B'Elanna closed her eyes so she couldn't see Tom laughing at the stupid wizard's hat on her head. As if he hadn't looked just as silly.

"A lot of bravery and a temper, but a keen mind…an unorthodox way of doing things—every house but Hufflepuff. Too angry for Ravenclaw, so Gryffindor or Slytherin?"

"Gryffindor, like Tom," B'Elanna said firmly, with a bit of a threat in her tone.

"You'd do well in Slytherin—"

She gave the hat the mental equivalent of an I-will-put-you-through-a-shredder-if-you-don't-Sort-me-where-I-want glare, and the hat conceded the point.

"—but if you insist, GRYFFINDOR!"

**A/N Tom and B'Elanna in the same chapter! Yay! **


	4. Chapter 4

_Tuvok_

With the Sorting Hat covering his ears, the only thing that identified Tuvok as a Vulcan was the calm expression on his face when most people looked nervous or embarrassed.

"RAV—" The hat cut itself off. "Most Vulcans are that house, but you chose to be a security chief…our choices more often define us than our nature, hm…but you use your logic for that job, so I was right to say…RAVENCLAW!"

_Vorik_

Ensign Vorik regarded the hat as calmly as Tuvok did, and the hat noticed.

"Ah, another Vulcan, this one in a more traditionally Vulcan job, Vulcans are…RAVENCLAW!

_Wildman, Naomi_

In contrast to the members of the crew who were older than the normal age of Sorting, the member younger than said age strolled up the hat confidently and eagerly put it on.

"Very self-confident, intelligent, a drive to succeed in your endeavors—oh! A desire for power and status…"

"I want to be the Captain's assistant," Naomi said solemnly.

"Yes, you do… you also show great compassion, as you befriended Seven of Nine—though you've been learning from her, you too desire perfection. Coupled with your ambition, very Slytherin."

"No, not Slytherin!" Naomi cried. "That's the bad house! If I'm like Seven, put me in Ravenclaw!"

"You _are_ her protégé…RAVENCLAW!"

**A/N I was debating between Seska and Naomi, but I chose Naomi because Seska would be too quick, an automatic Slytherin. Up soon...The Doctor Sorts Himself!**


	5. Chapter 5: The Doctor Sorts Himself

The hat settled on top of the Doctor's holographic matrix and was disappointed to find that it still couldn't read him.

"Which house do you choose?"

"I don't know," the Doctor said thoughtfully. "Gryffindor is for the brave, and I think I like that…but since Mr. Paris got sorted there fairly quickly it may also be for the rash and I'd have to keep patching up my housemates. So not Gryffindor. Slytherin doesn't look friendly, and none of my crewmates are there either, so not Slytherin. Hufflepuffs are loyal and kind…I am a doctor, with a good bedside manner. Ravenclaw is for the intelligent, and since I began my life as a walking database I suppose I'd fit in. And Seven's in that house. Yes, I think I've made my choice.

The Doctor whispered it to the hat, and the hat shouted "RAVENCLAW!"


End file.
